So in this blog I want to go back to one of the questions that I had running through my head before.
What if no one ever wants to have sex with me?
This was a legitimate concern for me. When I would look at myself after I had surgery I was pretty damn sure that no one would ever want to look at, not to mention have anything to do with that looked like “Frankencrotch”! I had a lot of mental issues with myself. Not just issues with the way things looked, but the fear that it wouldn’t function the way it did before.
It is almost embarrassing to say, but I was even afraid to touch it myself for fear that I was going to hurt myself somehow or bust the scar open. I guess really in my mind though I was completely afraid that if women knew about me having a testicle removed that they would not even give me a chance. I thought it was going to take me a long time to find someone who may be comfortable being with me, not that I was really looking but lets face it things happen from time to time. Also I was almost 22 years old and was in my sexual prime at least that is how I felt. I was a very passionate person when it came to the bedroom with every relationship I had been in… ever. Most the time if we were in a bed, that is what was going on.
With that said this was still something I was interested in doing, and I had been talking to some girls that I had known in the past. I know I say some girls which means I was talking to more than one at a time, but like I said before I was 22, and I had a desire. So naturally I went out to the bar with my friends that I was living with off of Westcott St in Syracuse, really it was our favorite bar to go to because they had cheap beer, great music, and it was full of college girls! ……Who could ask for more? I mean the 4 of us were not the “coolest” guys in the world, but they insisted that we were gonna have a great time and “find me someone to take home”.
I really appreciated this, but with all that I had been through and only being 2 weeks out from surgery I was very nervous about anything that could maybe happen. Like I said before my whole genital region, Frankencrotch, was a touchy area… haha touchy area, sometimes I crack myself up when I don’t even mean to. Anyway, my friends were all telling me that I need to get back out there and not waste any time. So I was talking to a couple of girls, playing pool, and of course what my friends and I did best… using horribly lame pickup lines because they always seemed to work… somehow.
There was one girl who sticks out in my mind because… well… she was the first one I took home with me after my surgery and it had only been two weeks. My friends had already left the bar and went home some with someone to take home and some not, but none the less… I ended up taking one home with me that night.
The whole way home, though I was slightly inebriated, I was still thinking about what would happen when she found out that I had this “issue”. I was debating with myself in my head whether to just tell her, or whether to wait and see if she noticed… haha see if she noticed, too me that is really funny now! I mean there is no way no one could not notice now. So of course we got to the house, had another drink and headed up to my bedroom. Being as nervous as I was I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie?
I don’t know WHAT I was thinking… this was not like me, especially when drinking, I really had one thing I wanted to do but I felt like I would not be able to do it. To my surprise she did not want anything to do with a movie, but instead she wanted to get right down to business. Unfortunately my body was not thinking the same way as my mind was or hers was. We turned the lights off and proceeded with our actions, and I have to say I loved what she was doing, and if my mind hadn’t been clouding what I was doing then I would have been just fine because she was a very attractive girl and well… knew what she was doing.
This is where the problems really started though, it was at that point that I would realize just what this mental bullshit that was going on in my mind was going to put me through in this part of life. To put it lightly I could not keep it up… which in turn made me frustrated, and in turn then made her frustrated, and then of course caused her to turn the damn lights on. At this point I had said nothing about having cancer, a nasty scar, or well that I had the whole bruised Frankencrotch thing going on! I should have just told her from the get go, but I was so nervous that I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
This is where it all took off from though… The girl I was with just kind of stared at me with this look on her face like she didn’t know what to say or do other than to just kind of move away from me. I tried to say to her that it was tough to me to explain what was going on other than I had cancer… I never realized how almost embarrassed I would be at that point saying that to a almost complete stranger other than the fact that I had made out with her in the bar, and well all the other things that had just started to happen.
She didn’t seem to know what to say to me… we were both drunk… I actually started to cry… and I am pretty sure I made her completely uncomfortable. I apologized to her and she didn’t say a word, she just proceeded to get all her clothes, go to the bathroom, get dressed, and get the hell out of there as fast as she could. I proceeded to sit in my bed, crying, trying to tell myself that things would work itself out but I was so damn frustrated that I really started to hate life… though I never really showed that side of myself to anyone else. This all changed my outlook on the whole thing and my original question seemed to be coming a reality…
what if no one ever wants to have sex with me?
Really though that wasn’t quite the case, I just went about things completely wrong… but when we are in those situations as a cancer survivor… it is really tough to know what to do. It happens in a lot of situations in life and not just having to do with our sex lives. I could tell then I had a long road ahead of me, and there would be many many many hurdles that I had to overcome before things would be back to “normal”. Back to normal is a very funny statement also because for a cancer survivor nothing is ever normal in the sense of what normal used to be. It is something we have to feel out and find our own sense of normal again… there are so many things that changed… and my sex life took a huge hit and still does from time to time.
You will see that as my blog goes on though… this is merely the start of this “saga” of mine. My journey had just begun and it was going to be a rocky F-ing road!
Until next time keep your head up and… Don’t Worry…There Is Sex After Cancer,